1. There are programmes waiting on our seats at the Guangzhou ballet hall when we get there, but they are all in Chinese. This is somewhat inconsiderate, we feel, because we have grown partial to comical Engrish translations that say things like “offer the seats to the sick, crippie and gravy.” In any event, we are on our own as far as plot goes.

From what I can decipher, the show goes a little like this: a very merry young Oriental man in a kilt (but with knickers on) is about to marry an equally merry girl with particularly strong calves, when the wedding ring is stolen by a winged fairy in a white dress, who ‘flies’ across the stage on wires a number of times before falling a few metres and letting out a pained yelp (this may or may not be part of the show).

Suddenly they are all in what looks to be a very forbidding forest, surrounded by the head witch and her minions, all of whom have either very good posture for witches and minions, or else very bad posture for ballet dancers.

And that is pretty much the crux of it. After that we go home and order BLTs from room service for fifty cents a pop.